Brookwrite

Abs of Shul

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

Summer is just around the corner, the corner in the rearview mirror. Passing into the distance with it are bathing suits and the beach where you once again hid your abs. But why wait until next spring to obsess about it finally being the year to shape them up, when you can obsess right now?

Are you tired of deciding on Saturday mornings whether to go to the synagogue or gym, to work on your spiritual side or backside? Well, tire no more. Now you can have your workout and eat after shul.

If you want great abdominals and aliyahs, and have the determination necessary to do what it takes to get them both, now you can with Abs of Shul.

The patent-proof Abs of Shul system simply combines physical activities that are already part of the service with a collection of clever contractions, some stretching, and avoidable alliteration. While designed for Saturdays, you can maximize your results by using most of Abs of Shul at minyan three times a day, seven days a week.

Bowing - The many bows throughout the service are a great abs opportunity. Just tighten your stomach muscles as you bow. Bend at the waist, lean forward into the bow slowly and smoothly, and do the same when you rise up again.

Davening - We've all seen the devout daveners who continually bob front to back as fast as the service is slow. They're not really praying, they're focusing on these standing crunches for advanced abs work. Just don't go up and ask them about it. If you do, don't use my name.

Please rise for... - The only action more frequent than bowing is standing up and sitting down. Use your legs a lot and your hands less. Tighten those abs and keep your torso straight. Flex those legs while standing, clench those cheeks, and don't sit on your tzitzit before the Shema.

Books lifting - Every good exercise regimen builds up and tapers off with a strong peak in the middle. This is true of the arm curls workout provided by continually lifting the hardcover, multi-hundred page prayerbook throughout the three-hour service. Nearly halfway through, we switch to the thousand-page chumash for the Torah reading and then return again to the lighter-but-now-feels-heavier prayerbook for the home stretch.

Toe raises - While standing during the Amidah, we stand with feet together. (Your own feet.) In the Kedushah, we rise up on our toes several times. Take advantage of these toe raises by stretching and tightening those leg muscles, the ones which more columnists could name if they had paid attention during biology class instead of scoping out girls as candidates for biology homework.

Hagbah - Lifting the Torah after the reading is the biggest weight-lifting exercise in the service. From late summer to early winter, the Torah's rolled to one side letting you focus on one arm, while the rest of the year it provides a relatively balanced load. If it's rolled to the wrong side for the arm you want to work, try crossing your hands to flip the Torah as you lift. Do not try this at home. You don't have a Torah there. Better yet, don't try it at all or you might end up doing the biggest cardio exercise of the service: running from the lynch mob after you put the "tore" in Torah.

Chasing running kids - By this point of the service, most kids are restless and running around the sanctuary. The cardio exercise of chasing them combines with the lifting exercise of seizing the kids upon capture. The cardio part also applies to people chasing the parents who won't keep their kids under control in the first place.

Sweating with the Oldies - Summer months and wool tallises lead to lots of Summer Services Sweat. But to get the benefit of losing a little water weight in winter, keep going with the thicker prayer shawls. The sanctuary heat will be turned too high, at levels varying every ten minutes or so as the two longtime ushers repeatedly adjust the thermostat to their contradictory likings as it says in the Talmud, "for every two Jews, there are three temperatures."

Now you're ready to face the world after services a little lighter and a little more toned. Until hitting the Kiddush.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who is board certified, by virtue of the two-by-four he was hit in the head with by an ex. He claims no responsibility for anyone injured by trying any of this, but claims full credit for all positive results. For more information, past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/.