Brookwrite

Retiring Benefits

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

SINAI DESERT, NEAR THE PROMISED LAND -- Moses and his appointed Judges Over the Groups (JOGgers) of Israelites today confirmed what has long been rumored: After thirty-nine years in the desert, Medicare and Social Security have both run out of money.

With this revelation it seems more likely than ever that most, if not all, of the older among us will not live to enter The Promised Land.

Several oppositionists say that this is another sign of executive mismanagement, on par with the decision to never pull over and ask for directions to The Promised Land for thirty-nine years. They speak on condition of anonymity, still simmering from when the fires consumed and the earth swallowed Korach's Rebellion, and the ensuing plague.

A recently released Grand Sanhedrin report on that Rebellion claims that attempted treatment of those fourteen thousand seven hundred plague victims stretched already strained medical resources and funds to the limit. However, considering every one of them died, either treatment was not provided or the treatment sucked.

There are conflicting reports about whether The Promised Land has any established funds for retirement living and care. When Moses sent the spies ahead, ten of them reported that only the strong survive there, while Joshua and Caleb thought they saw a Social Security check in a mailbox.

Is it a coincidence, then, that Joshua and Caleb are the only two members of the original exodus rumored to be granted divine permission to enter The Promised Land?

Yes, that rumor still persists. It is reported in today's news (see the previous paragraph). Even Moses is now rumored to be disallowed from entry, though after thirty-nine years of wandering in which we could have walked to China and back, wherever that is, maybe it wouldn't make a difference if he was allowed in or not.

But if you look around lately, most of our brethren and sistren who were actually in Egypt and crossed the Sea of Reeds have passed on. Even Moses was looking a bit long in the beard last month after his 119th birthday celebration.

Of course, since we are Jews, for every one rumor there are at least two explanations. In this case there's at least three.

Why are those of us from the original exodus not allowed in The Promised Land? Is it because of us making the Golden Calf at Mount Sinai as Moses brought us our prescription to take those two tablets and call Him every morning?

Is it because everyone in the exodus had seen idol worship in Egypt and nobody entering The Promised Land is allowed to have witnessed it in case they remember it and decide to do it there?

Or is it because so many of them believed the ten spies who said The Promised Land was too difficult to conquer, and threatened to stone Joshua and Caleb for seeing the clay cup as half full?

One senior official says this it's none of these at all. This unnamed source says, "These rumors have spread like fire on a burning bush, but we're just very behind on issuing passports."

But perhaps it is something else entirely. Have we become a people who forgets its own history, thus risking repeating it? Or have we become a people who forgets its own history, thus risking repeating it?

After all, we have seen this before. It is not well-documented anymore, but hundreds of years ago the first Social Security system also ran out of money.

Some people say this is because money had not yet been invented. Others say that the Great Flood led to the system being all washed up. However, several scholars firmly believe that it was just because nobody who established Social Security expected people to live so long.

Methuselah, nine hundred and sixty nine years old? Noah, nine hundred fifty years old? Who would plan for that? Obviously we didn't, then or now. Today we have people living sometimes as long as a hundred years or so, and we didn't even get that right.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who is retiring, in the sense that he's getting tired again. And that he's buying new tires for his car. Your contributions help; to send payment, or for more information, past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/.