Brookwrite

El Alia

by Doug Brook
Southern Jewish Life columnist

Do all the recent airline mergers have you worried about your getaway plans? Worry no more, because more choices are on the way.

From every two rabbis you get three opinions, so there must be something rabbinic about the advent of three new Jewish airlines emerging from the shadows of an El Al 747.

El Al is commonly regarded as the most secure airline in the world. Its newest competitor, Yiddish Airways, (slogan "Lesn Geyn For Less!") takes airplane security even further into the 21st century. In addition to an industry-standard secure flight, YA also offers the most secure in-flight wireless internet service available.

JewBlue (slogan "JewBlue -- Where the Angels Flew") takes more traditional passenger security a step further. In the event of unexpected turbulence, even if the seatbelt sign is unlit, to walk freely about the cabin requires a notarized permission form from your mother.

JewBlue provides only kosher meals, however specially prepared non-kosher meals can be ordered in advance, for certain flights. These tightly packaged meals are commonly regarded as inferior to their hechshered counterparts and are served on special surfaces atop the tray tables.

JetJew (slogan "D'You Jet? JetJew"), the smallest of the new airborne trinity, not only provides just kosher meals in-flight, but each seat comes with two tray tables: one for dairy, one for meat. Special locks controlled from the cockpit make the appropriate tray table available not only for each meal, but for the requisite hours following each meal. JetJew also provides separate air sickness bags for use after a dairy or meat meal.

JetJew's rabbinic advisory council has ruled that objects such as books or laptops used on meat tray tables within the three hours after a meat meal can be placed on the dairy tray tables only after a quick but thorough wiping down using special wipes provided free of charge by JetJew flight attendants, who accept most major credit cards but not cash.

While smoking is prohibited on all flights, JewBlue offers one enlarged lavatory where smoking is allowed for active members of the Israeli military. While offering smoking or non-smoking seats is long gone, Yiddish Airways offers Mothers and Non-Mothers seating, under their revolutionary "Mothers Fly Separate" promotion.

Also part of YA's promotion, during the baggage security check, handlers ensure that you packed enough underwear and socks for each day of your scheduled trip.

Speaking of baggage, while one of JewBlue's slogans is, "Egypt to Israel - A lot faster than forty years," early reports are that your baggage might not be included in that guarantee.

Despite these differences, all three airlines have several things in common. For example, in keeping with Hebrew form, seats are numbered from right to left. Emergency exit rows and life rafts are all available in row 18. Also, in keeping with standard Hebrew numbering, the rows are numbered: 13, 14, 9+6, 9+7, 17, 18, etc.

All flights take off from right to left, which is seemingly true of all airlines if you're standing on the correct side. However, planes for all three airlines are specially equipped to rotate during flight to face east, should the time for minyan fall during a flight. (And, boy, does it freak out pilots on other airlines when they see it midair.)

What about flying on Shabbat? None of these airlines schedule flights between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday, local time for where the plane would be passing. Similar rules apply to most major Jewish holidays that restrict flying, driving, electricity, creating, destroying, or as one sixth-grader recently described it, "doing anything at all."

What about flights that get delayed into Shabbat? Due to mitigating legal and medical concerns, pilots are not allowed to shut off the engines in midair when they fly into a Shabbat zone.

JewBlue decided to staff all Friday flights with a shabbos goy who can take over in case of flying into Friday night. JetJew and Yiddish Airways allow their regular pilots to complete the flight under the "can do anything to save lives" clause of Shabbat restrictions.

All three airlines also offer very competitive fares for all flights to all destinations. After all, they don't expect you'll pay retail.

Doug Brook is a writer in Silicon Valley who just met Dave Barry -- this column's goyishe godfather, its witty yet unwitting original inspiration. Not that he knew that, but now he's at least heard of it. And hopefully won't prosecute. For more information, past columns, other writings, and more, visit http://brookwrite.com/. For exclusive online content, become a fan at facebook.com/the.beholders.eye.